True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Randomize
