You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
