I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
