I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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