Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Randomize
