Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
as a side note pls kill me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
