Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
