Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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