hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
