i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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