I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
