I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
