I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
