This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
