I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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