i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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