Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
