even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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