does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up under a house in Key West
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