i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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