fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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