I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
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I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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