Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
