If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
