omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
