if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
