You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
