my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
