this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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