I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
