I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
