so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
