his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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