onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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