planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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