i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
