By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
