After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
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Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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