Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
