And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He passed out mid-signature
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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