Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
