For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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