I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
