i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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