smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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