She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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