Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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