Your face is a jimmy john
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
