I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
