I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize