I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
