Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
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EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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