Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
