lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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