i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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