Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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