Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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