It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
