She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
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My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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