the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
