Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
