this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
