I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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